How to turn down Zoom calls during a lockdown
By Autumn B, age 11
Avoid turning on the computer for as long as possible. This will provide you with the excuse of 'forgetting to check your inbox'.
If you do make the mistake of accidentally checking your inbox, discover a Zoom invite from your friend and accompanying note saying, 'Please come!'
Feel a sense of doom and dread expanding in your chest.
Biting your lip, quickly reply, "Oh, sorry! I’d love to, but I have to eat my lunch now." (Please note: be sure to replace the meal in question with one suitable to the time of day.)
If your accoster replies, "That’s fine – I can just reschedule it until after your lunch!" give an almighty groan (inwardly) and counter with:
"Yeah … that’s a good idea, but I don’t know when my lunch will end. I can’t ask my mum. Or my dad. They’re both on important work calls that cannot be disturbed for anything, not even this."
If the vexing Zoomer's next point is: "But I’m sure we can make an approximation of when your lunch will end, can’t we?" kick your legs several times in the air before retaliating:
"No. We definitely cannot do that because I do not know who is cooking, and since my mum usually makes normal-person sandwiches but my dad is of Ulysses' descent and so generally prepares twenty-four hour banquets, there really is a lot of diversity in the chronology of my lunches."
If worse comes to worst, and your horrible rat of a friend replies, "Just ask your parents if you can Zoom while you eat. I’m sure they won’t mind!" you must cast away any former concern for your opponent’s emotions. End this duel by administering the final blow:
"NO THANK YOU. I DO NOT LIKE ZOOM CALLS BECAUSE I FIND THEM AWKWARD AND THEY MAKE MY EYES HURT. Thank you for the kind offer, though."
Carry on with your day.
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